Wouldn’t it be ironic if Jesus and God were not U2 fans? Talk about a slap across U2’s collective Baby Face! Think about it…for forty years, U2 has worked hard at breaking down the Bible, searching for the perfect Scripture, trying to find a rhyming word for Gomorrah, trying to incorporate the “Burning Bush” story into a song without it sounding like a sexually transmitted disease and then BAM….Jesus pulls a Salome and cuts off U2’s entire career with One push of the delete app he received from Apple. The Troubles. You think the beatings Bono and Gavin Friday received back in the 70’s hurt? Son, you just got your ass kicked up and down Cedarwood Road so bad that the Cherry Blossom Tree in Gucci’s front yard got uprooted and shoved down your throat.
Picture this, Bono reaching the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter informing Bono that Jesus is more a Judas Priest fan than U2! (See what I did there?). Medic to iCloud 9. Or worse, U2 hearing that U2’s not relevant in Heaven! That somebody that stepped inside your soul, just went Abel and Cain on your ass.
So, step into my Blue Room and discover how/why U2 may not be that big in Heaven.
1. Bono used the F word in Wake up Dead Man. Cursing is a big no-no in Heaven. You can take the Lord’s name in vain, but do not say the F word.
2. SOI took too long. This was such a guarded secret that not even Jesus and God knew what U2 were up to the past five years. This really p*ssed them off. To get back at U2…Ebola!
3. The whole Apple snafu screwed up Jesus’ iCloud account. Jesus can make Moses go to the Red Sea, but don’t make Jesus cut through red tape to delete music! That’s your cross to bear, not his.
4. God still hasn’t gotten over the way U2 portrayed Jesus in Until the end of the world! In 2014, different life styles are mainly accepted, but not back in 33 AD. God is old school and “Homie” don’t play dat!
5. Both God and Jesus are morning people. They can’t stay up late watching U2 on Fallon and believe it or not, Heaven is too far for internet or cable service, so DVRing it is out of the question. Hell, because of the distance, they just got their first issue of Propaganda, U2’s old magazine, the other day.
6. God hated the new SOI cover. See # 4.
7. Making Invisible invisible? Only God and Jesus can do that. Big mistake.
8. No Line on the Horizon. Enough said!
9. Too much talk about acoustic set lists. Jesus has the hair for head banging. Since when is punk rock acoustic? If Jesus sees an acoustic guitar, he expects it to be cracked over someone’s head.
10. Taxes. Heaven cannot tolerate scam artists.
There you have it. Haters gonna hate. 😉