So we had “move up day” last week at my school. It’s the day where all the incoming 5th graders get to meet their 6th grade teachers. The kids are so excited, and are bursting with earth shattering questions like: “Can we buy pizza every day?” or “Are the seniors going to stuff us in our lockers?” It also gives me a chance to outline some of the things we will be doing in my World Geography class, like using U2 song titles and lyrics to introduce the kids to European Geography. When I asked the question: “Who in here knows U2?” And not one hand went up, I knew it was going to be a long day. When I asked if anyone ever heard of Bono, one snot nose kid asked, “Who’s Bono?” It took every ounce of energy not to pick up the little sh*t and chuck him out the window. Let’s face it people, we’re old. So it got me thinking: “You know you’re an old U2 fan when…”
1. Most U2 songs are on the oldies station.
2. Your main way of listening to U2 requires you to replace a needle on the stylus.
3. You’re more concerned about Bono’s back than his voice.
4. You secretly wish U2 would consider starting their concerts at 10:00 AM.
5. You head to the parking lot at a U2 concert after 5 songs to beat traffic.
6. You have warts older than Jordan Hewson.
7. You have ZooTV live from Sydney on Betamax.
8. You think the GA line is part of the subway system.
9. You try to get concert tickets using a rotary phone.
10. You remember when The Edge had hair.
11. You use your AARP Card in attempts to get ticket discounts.
12. You seek out all emergency exits, rest rooms, and first-aid stations when you first enter the venue.
13. Members of the opening act look like your grandchildren.
14. You ask an usher if they wouldn’t mind turning down the music a little.
15. You wear a sweater to the outside venue and it’s 90 degrees out.
16. A week before the show, you drive to the venue to make sure of the directions even though you’ve been to the venue fifty times already.
17. You set your watch alarm to go off during the show reminding you to take your medication.
18. Small talk between acts include discussions about weather, latest health ailments and bowel movements.
19. You bring an umbrella to the show “just in case” and there’s not a cloud in the sky.
20. You make up lyrics to songs you’ve heard 1,000 times and are convinced your lyrics are right.
21. You order a decaf coffee at the concession stand.
22. You chastise the t-shirt vendor for the high prices by saying, “When I was kid…”
23. You ask an usher for directions to the pay phone.
24. Someone mistakes your liver spot for a tattoo.
25. You hide your own snacks at the bottom of your purse and feel a sense of pride when no one finds them.
26. You have your War T-shirt laid out nicely on your bed for the concert three days prior to the show.
27. While tailgating, you take a nap.
28. You call the guy sitting next to you “Sonny” and he’s in his fifties.
29. You hope that all the fans in the inner circle have good arch supports in their shoes.
30. The theater you saw Rattle & Hum in hasn’t been a theater for 3 decades.
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